Someone
has written this in support of victims but it is only tongue in cheek support
and I will show you why.
(These are my
personal opinions only- others may think very differently. They are not meant
to contradict or challenge any rabbinic ruling, and are based on my academic
training and work with people associated with abuse)
I
would not want a person who is abused going to this person for counseling
because I believe this person could do more harm than good. No academic training can prepare and allow a
person to empathize with a survivor of abuse. You need experienced and
competent counselors to deal sensitively and professionally with victims, not
some anal bureaucrat with a psychology degree stuck up their butt.
Regarding alleged
sexual abuse in our community, people frequently ask what I could do IF...
a) the victim is a friend or family
member of mine, it is my obligation to support that person by
positively asserting that he is in no way to blame, he always deserved full
protection, he is entitled to complete care, acceptance and help and he has the
right to fully exercise all options open to him as a citizen of Australia...
Quite comic really when you think about it. It is about human rights one would hope and just not citizens of Australia. It is about every person in this world's right to an abuse free childhood.
The
best and only way to validate the victim’s feelings of being abused and to alleviate
the shame is to go to the police and have the matter investigated by the proper
authorities like any other crime and the perpetrator dealt with appropriate to
his or her age and situation. The perpetrator relies on the victims’ shame and
disgust with what they have been forced to do to hide his or her crimes. If
this tactic fails they will then try to disparage the victims’ mental state and
say that the victim misunderstood or has exaggerated the events. So the first
physical overpowering and the sexual violation is then followed by a
psychological overpowering of the victim leading him or her to doubt his or her
sanity and events as they happened. In other words, sexual abusers of children
are the worst sorts of bullies because they pick on vulnerable children who
they can dominate and twist and manipulate. In other words the physical and
sexual abuse is further compounded by mental torture as the perpetrator
performs in such a way as to make the victim feel that ‘somehow it is my fault’.
b) the offender is a friend or family
member of mine, it is my obligation to support him however I
can to have the courage to act honorably throughout whatever processes occur,
do whatever he can to make amends and to take whatever steps that might be
required to ensure that he does not re-offend...
Interesting
statement that apart from the grammatical errors. I would prefer to say that is it the obligation of the community
and the family and friends of a perpetrator of abuse, especially one who abused/s children
to acknowledge the wrongness of his or her actions and to work towards
potential rehabilitation and to honestly acknowledge the pain of the victims
and bear responsibility for it, even if it means incarceration for a period of
time. Defaming the victims and their families is not bearing responsibility
or acknowledging the pain caused to victims.
c) others blame the victim,
it is my obligation to explain to them that children are always powerless when
faced with the terrifying demands of any adult-even more one that the child
thinks has authority, that all adults are responsible for guaranteeing the
safety of children ahead of other concerns, including concerns such as protecting
the 'good name' of institutions, wider family groups or communities... and
stand up against those who might want to stigmatise the innocent family members
of either victim or perpetrator.
It
is a common ploy in any crime of this sort, rape, or child abuse or even
assault. ‘I was provoked’, ‘she or he seduced me’ because of the social stigma
attached to being a perpetrator of such a crime. Rape and child abuse is very much about power
and for perpetrators there is an almost aphrodisiac effect, if they get away with delegitimizing the
victim. I speak from bitter experience
that is a long time ago now, 23 rd August 1977 when I went through a rather
unpleasant experience which marked my life for quite some years and I can still
remember my mother saying, ‘Oh dear, you must have done something to provoke
the man. Anyway it’s over and done with now. Have a Valium and calm down. You
will soon forget all about it in time. Just learn a lesson from the experience.’
For just under two years, in a small country town I endured the taunting of
that man and his mates. It stopped when I left town never to return thank G-D. I thank G-D for allowing me to have that
experience because while it was difficult to come to terms with for quite some
years, it has enhanced my understanding of how the perpetrators think and
behave. However if rape happens at a
later stage in one’s life, it is easier to deal with than child abuse. The child
is often confused. For a rape victim it is the attitude of others that is the
problem and that is why rape victims don’t want to talk about the stigma of
rape as it is seen as somehow you ‘deserved it.’ For child abuse there is not
that excuse so the abusers fall back on the vulnerability of the child and the
fact that the child will not be believed against an adult who is lying. It is
very hard to trap abusers into admitting that they did do what they did. They
know and understand the social stigma attached and that is why they choose to
force their attentions onto helpless children. For them, they have everything to lose if they are discovered and they play on the feelings of friends and family alike who do not want to believe that a person in whom they placed such trust has betrayed them. Apart from the sense of power it
gives them, they want to have control over whether the child is believed or not.
It is so easy for
people in positions of authority to prioritise the 'good name' of an
organisation and, frequently unintentionally, act in way that devalues the
reasons it exists in the first place. A religious community exists to espouse
the values of that religion- not to hide bad behavior so that others will be
tricked into thinking those activities do not happen.
All
organizations do not like bad publicity and that is why they are so careful to
hide and to support the perpetrator as a paragon of goodness and virtue rather
than own their duty of care in two main areas of abuse
a)
Child
abuse
b)
Bullying
They
seek to cover their culpability and disown any responsibility for the matter.
That is why these things keep occurring because abusers get positive payback
and support. I do not agree with emotional support being provided to abusers.
Their families, yes, because I think they are secondary victims. The primary
victims are the abused and their immediate families. Then you have secondary
victims who are the family of the abuser. They have done nothing wrong, yet
they suffer incredible guilt. Imagine if you are the family, good people of a
person who is abusive and a criminal. How do you feel especially if you are the
mother of such a person? You feel sick at heart and you feel that somehow you
have failed in raising your child to be a mentsch. That is a pain that does not go away for the
rest of your life.
A
community that has protecting children as a core value has the obligation to
learn as much as possible about how
to ensure children are safe and to learn as much as possible about how to know
if there is danger and how to remove that danger. That same community should
also feel responsible to learn all it can about what is needed for individuals
to heal and to provide those conditions to bring about healing. To attempt to 'protect' an institution
by failing to do these things is an insult to the people and the values that
set it up in the first place.
This is politically correct bullshit and I will show you
why. Those who protect an institution are doing the institution no favours. Eventually the walls will crumple if you chip away at the foundations on which your institution was built. Especially if it was built to educate and protect its clientele. The most appropriate course of action is outright renovation. Completely gutting the inside where the plaster is rotted and crumbling away. You don't patch and smatch and hide behind a fresh coat of paint. You strip the wall down right to the bricks and redo the plastering so that it is fresh and new and all the old plaster has been ripped out and all the leaks are fixed.
Corrupt principals breed corrupted principles. Especially ones that perjure themselves. Unfortunately we do not have a fifth ammendment in Australia. a person could say, no comment but then he or she risks being accused of hindering the process of justice and police inquiry.
Any community that does not protect
and correct their children is at risk of failing as a community. Children are vulnerable and they are our
future. It is through our children we build steps for the future. they hold our vision for the future to come. It is up to us to ensure that they do not have exposure to things that
will corrupt and cripple their perceptions of life, sexuality and their
relationships with others. Clear
guidelines need to be laid out and followed. Children need consistency and
routine. A parent needs to care enough to put their needs second to that of the
child. Once you have a child, your life is not your own.
We live in a very 'me' orientated society and one in which
parents feel they are owed something. As a parent you are owed nothing except respect. In fact, when you have children you have to be
prepared to put your pleasures in life aside to support and protect your child
from danger. I am prepared to die for my
child and to protect him or any child for that matter from invasion or
violation by an abuser. Once you have been abused or violated by someone you
get a gut instinct for an abuser and the only thing that prevents you falling
victim to further abuse is lifelong celibacy because unfortunately the types of
people attracted to you are abusive. They have an instinct for people who are likely to accept abuse as much as those who have been abused tend towards being taken in by the abusive behaviours and feel sorry for the 'abusers'. Stockholm syndrome. The abused starts to shift his or her perspective on a situation to include elements of the abuser's flawed perceptions.
