Saturday, October 29, 2011

Who is the judge?


People do strange things and meddle in other people's lives and then they will justify it later as 'I only did it for his or her own good.' as if they are some authority on that person's life and have the right to control and manipulate another's life.  Having been on the receiving end of several such attempts to literally destroy my life by the well meaning 'kindness of friends' I loathe and detest people who think they can live others' lives better than the people in question can live their lives. These meddlers are always full of good advice, but if one takes a closer look at the life of the meddler, one can't help wondering what gives that person such 'insights' into the lives of others when obviously their own lives need a little more guidance and control.
I had a child at 49 years of age. My first and only child. My ex husband and I split up when I was four months pregnant with my son. We had been together at that stage for around six years and had tried for about five of those years to have children unsuccessfully until I became pregnant with my son.
A doctor in NSW looked at me, my pregnant stomach and my age and suggested that I could have a 'termination' because 'surely it is a bit inconvenient at your age to have a child.' After I had explained nicely through gritted teeth that an abortion was the last thing on my mind, in fact having a relatively trouble free pregnancy was uppermost with G-D's help even after the shock of my husband ending our marriage. I figured it was meant to be. Also the woman he left me for, their relationship did not last and he is now married to a Nigerian woman who is 22 years his junior. Let's hope it lasts. They have been married one year.
I have had my mother tell me that I should 'foster my son out' as it will be more convenient for me and I will not have to worry about him then. She also bemoans the fact that I used my ex husband's sperm and I am still not quite sure why. When she said to me,'Why on earth did you use his sperm to have a child?' I replied that I was married to my ex at the time and it is the normal thing for husband and wife to have a child TO GET HER.
It would be more abnormal for me to go in search of a person I was not married to and indicate to that person I wanted to obtain a sperm donation to have a child. I imagined the conversation would have gone something like this. Also my mother did not indicate to me that she did not like my ex when I was marrying him and she did not indicate an aversion to children fathered by him.

Me:  'Hey you over there. Come here. I want to talk to you.
The unsuspecting donor ambles on over.
Him: What can I do for you?
Me: Have you had an AIDS test recently? Are you in good health? No genetic disorders in your back ground that I should know about? All clear there, huummm?
Him: (rather astounded by the line of questioning) Hey, you are getting a bit personal here now. What is this all about? Why should my health be of interest to you?
Me: I am thinking of asking you to donate sperm so I can have a child.
Him: But aren't you married? Why aren't you having children with your husband?
Me: Well a problem has arisen here. My mother has indicated an aversion to children from my husband's seed. She is bewailing the fact that I am planning on having children with him. So looks like I might have to shop around for a suitable donor. (CUT CONVERSATION HERE)

Now that is the end and I am not going further with this imaginary conversation and very imaginary it will remain, as I would no more use the seed of a man other than the man I was married to, than fly to the moon. Halachically, (by Jewish Law) it is a big NO NO and the child would be illegitimate as well.
Truth be told my mother never liked either of my husbands. One she was convinced he was a paedophile and the other she said was only marrying me for citizenship to Australia. So for about a year or more, she was battering me with reasons to put my son in a foster home. My brother and sister in law in America entertained similar ideas as I was 'too young to be a mother'. Quite crackers,  that idea.
I have also had well meaning friends 'offer advice' as to the rearing of my son and often one gets totally fed up with the tone of the conversation because it comes across as they are in the know and 'can do it so much better than you, poor thing, you single mother you. Look you could not even keep your husband, so how on earth are you going to keep a man' sort of attitude.
Sometimes we should not judge others until we have walked a mile in their shoes, so to speak. And I try to remember before I offer advice, how does it come across to those who are receiving it? Is it wanted, is it or could it be offensive to others?

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