Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Gregorian New Year Versus Our New Year


I can't help but wonder what is New Year and what does it mean from a Non Jewish Perspective as opposed to a Jewish perspective and indeed when one looks at some of the other views of New Year from a Asian perspective or even a Hindu or Muslim or Buddhist perspective? What does New Year really mean apart from a complete evolution of the world on its axis in the physical sense? Why do we attach so much importance to the physicality of the earth doing a complete evolution of the sun or a complete orbit of the sun so to speak? We do a complete turn around or revolution of the earth on its axis every 24 hours and so many seconds, so what is so transforming about the complete orbit and how it is calculated in other religions or even from a secular concept?
I did some research and here are a few thoughts on the matter.
Bikrami Samvat is the Hindu New Year and it is on the 12th of April this year. Another three months plus away. How do they calculate it?
The Chinese New Year is end of January and I will be back with some more 'New Year' thoughts from around the world. It has started me on a train of thought.

Tehillim 78 Pasuk samech zian and Rabbi Shishler's talk

I only got to say a few tehillim today. 78 which is quite a long one was one of them. Here is a partial Yeminite recitation.

Literally translated this verse states 'He rejected Josef's tent and the tribe of Ephraim he did not choose; then verse 68, He chose the tribe of Yehuda and Har Zion that he loves.

Rav Shishler spoke today on the different approaches of Yehuda and Yosef. It was very interesting and I am not going to give it across here in summary but he spoke to a packed lunch room hall.

While looking for a recital of some tehillim for the pronounciation, I  came across this of the Rebbe in 1980 or 5740 (28th January) 10 Betevet the fast day - it is worth listening to. Well worth listening.

The line of Moishiach will come from the tribe of Yehuda which is David Hamelech's linage.

But as for now two renditions of Tehillim 23.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Because you obeyed my voice" Asher shma'ata be'koli!'


Another very inspiring lecture by Rabbi Shishler this morning. Actually two, but who's counting? He said something in the second main lecture which send me on a train of reflection and connection. Hashem promised Avraham after the Akaidat Yitzhak that his children would be as the stars in the sky.
He said this after Avraham was told, 'I have sworn by my own self, because you have done this thing and not withheld your son, your only son, I will bless you greatly".He goes on to recount the blessings.  Rabbi Shishler talked about the sun being the only the only star that is visible during the day. I was thinking along different lines of the stars in the night sky. How do the stars stand out in the darkness? The darkness equalling galus. The stars twinkle and light the dark night sky because they do reflect the light of the sun a greater power source.We, the Jewish people, contain and reflect the light of Holiness of Hashem. The Jewish nation will stand out in the darkest of the night because they will reflect the light of Hashem and Hashem's greatness in the world through the mitzvos and also through the way they conduct themselves in holiness. The light of ethics, goodness and justice will shine through the darkness and not just greed and self interest which binds the world on increasing levels of tumay in the present and plunges it into concealment and covering up.
Rabbi Shishler's lectures are always very anecdotal and easy to listen to. He has quite a nice down to earth style but I sometimes want a little more technical stuff interspersed and they end too quickly. The morning lectures are of more interest and meatier than the 12  noon lectures. We get a few notes and it is interactive. I have the feeling like I did when he was talking about the morning star that my hand wanted to shoot up and join in with a comment or two and I look around at people and think, 'Well, nu, what do you think of this?'  It is hard to be interactive in the Werdigger with a larger group. In fact, the argument for smaller classes in schools is a serious one. You need smaller groups for more intense learning.

Here is a night sky full of stars. As you can see, some are brighter than others. The Gaonim or Ilui. Some Tzadikim are so imbued with the light of Hashem that they generate their own light. It is as if a piece of their neshama is so connected to Hashem as to be almost indistinguishable from the source of all light.
Let us all work towards the ultimate light of Moishiach's coming and beautify this world as a fitting sanctury of peace and light for all time through Mitvos.

Relationships - How do they work and do they?


Simple question it would seem. I have to say - I really do not know because I am still working on my relationships and they are all a work in progress. Each relationship we have, whether as a parent of a child, child of a parent, sibling, relative, friend or otherwise (yes, we do have relationships with our enemies too) each relationship is different. Whether we give or receive or take or be or the relationship changes is up to us in the relationship.
It is very easy at times for an individual to see where their relationship with someone is going and at other times it is often obvious that a relationship will not survive because of the different expectations of the two parties involved. At other times, it is not so obvious as the two parties have set up roles for the other which is in conflict with the reality of the relationship held by the other person.
   Interestingly the boundaries of relationships on the internet are often more clearly defined in cyberspace than in real life.
   I have come to the following conclusions lately. In our relationships in real life we want to be accepted and liked. We are often not our own person. We often compromise and those compromises are part of getting on and conforming to social models in our communities and social groupings. We often do go out of our comfort zone, so to speak, to be accepted by a particular community or peer groups within our communities. This is normal. It is part of our socialisation process and the way we conform to 'fit in' to make ourselves comfortable to others in the broader community. In our closer circle and by closer circle, I mean family, we may be so comfortable as to be ourselves to such an extent, we do not care if we offend people or we are not seen as 'nice' to deal with. We push and create our own boundaries and we may attempt to make people conform to our idea of what family should be, rather than the reality that that person may have their own personality and traits and we should respect that but we do not. When a person is so forceful or actually so oppressive in their relationships within the family that they do not want any deviation from the model they have set up - and I am not talking about religion or lifestyle - I am talking about when a family member or members bully another member of the family to the point of a mental breakdown in order for that person to 'conform to a certain way of viewing the world and if they deviate they are then seen as 'bad or wrong people'. I am not referring to commonsense aspects but something that happens on a very basic level of social and human interaction. It is as if that family member is not acknowledged or validated as a 'real person'. What is under attack is the essence of the person.
   I could give an example of a family of vegans and all of a sudden a child in that family decides that they do not want to be a vegan but to eat meat. So if the other family members then decided that the non vegan was persona non gratia and began to exclude him or her from the family group. They were given no choice about whether to join into family celebrations, but deliberately not told or not invited. The person continues unaware for some time that the relationship is unequal. He or she feels the same way about his family members, love and concern, as well as affection, but it is not returned. In fact, it sets the scene for a particular kind of abuse. The hurt and fear from rejection of the singled out family member is cruel and is often enjoyed by the family members that partake in it. The 'odd' family member is somehow seen as flawed and a form of amusement to the others. There is a level of cruelty in the relationship that is quite uncanny but in a way understandable because if it was pointed out to the perpetrators they would find it hard to understand what all the fuss is about.
They have no idea of denial of personal validation as an individual. They depict the person as 'different and they then place that person under attack. Because if you are different, then you are somehow wrong. Simple and they will form the sort of relationship that they think you derserve.
In cyber space we create alter egos of who we want to be and we are either more accepting of differences or less accepting. Think about it. Who is the real you and who are your real friends and family? How do your relationships differ? It is worth examining.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Today's Shiurim


Three very interesting shiurim or lectures today. Unfortunately I came late as the late lighting of the Channukka menora makes for a very tired little boy. So I let him sleep. Mean mummy tomorrow as I am going to get him up earlier so I can get to the beginning of  Rabbi Shishler's lecture at 9.45am.  Today I arrived half way through the shiur. (lesson or lecture). He was brilliant as usual.He explained four levels or dimensions in the world within the background of a fifth dimension. The four dimensions are Atzilus  or a world with no sense of an individual entity, infinity leading to the next which is Beriah the level of machut  or angelic level where there is a sense of self on a minor level of understanding, but it is very much more flexible than Yetzirah which is more grounded and has a sense of yesh, self existence that is fixed and it is the world of homer or substance that is created to form a certain thing that is fixed or unable to be changed or moved. The level of the Beriah is capable of shapeshifting and movement that has much more freedom than the world of Yetzirah. Asiyah is the inanimate part or domain of the spiritual world. If we were to fix those four dimensions into four elements that we understand they would be Asiyah = stone or rock, Yetzirah = vegetable e.g living things like vegetation etc and then Beriah = animals and Atzilus = the infinite mind then there is the fifth dimension which we will learn more about tomorrow.

The second one on Chassidus by Ita Broh was fast paced and excellent on the Rebbe's sicha on Channukka. A quick summary would be that she reviewed the different arguments for increasing light or decreasing lights as the days of Channukkah progress according to different rabbonim and schools of thought.
Shemen or oil has the power to increase kedusha through the burning and we moved on to a discussion on what is the intrinsic nature of Chomacha and of bina.  Chomacha, I understood to be an intuitive spark or flash of inspirational wisdom that when developed through bina (understanding or conceptualising) leads to a greater striving for a connection and indeed stronger connection to holiness and G-dliness. She also touched on the trancendental powers of the souls and the nature of desires and wants and how holiness evolves over and above logic. The attack of the Greeks was on the spiritual connection that the Jewish nation has with Hashem and this is what is under attack even in today's world.
I am leaving the summary of Rabbi Shishler's very excellent shiur on social networking and the nature of relationships in today's highly technological world to tomorrow when I have more time. It is one oh seven in the morning and I need a bit of sleep. Goodnight.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Interesting quotes from a very interesting lecture today


I am actually enjoying this series of lectures very much this year. I will check out the Chassidus shiur tomorrow. One element of lectures I always like to have is some proverbs or quotes that carry immense wisdom in a few short words or one short sentence. I have three to share with you today. Actually two as one is a story.

Polish proverb.
Capitalism is when men exploit and take from other men. Socialism is the reverse.
Winston Churchill is the original source for this one.
Capitalism is when there is an unequal distribution of blessings. Communism is when there is an unequal distribution of misery.

Story is simply this
A young man left college and went to look for a job. He applied in many places and came to the restaurant and asked the owner for a job. 'Sure,' the owner said,'We'll give you a job.' So he gives him an apron and hands him a broom. 'For a start, you can sweep out the restaurant.' The college graduate looks aghast at the broom that had been thrust into his hands. 'But, but,' he said,'I am a college graduate.'
'Oh, ok,' said the restaurant boss,' No problem. I'll show you how to use it.'

Thank you Rabbi Shishler.Great lecture yet again.
He also spoke about the fact that every one is demanding rights and forgeting about the responsibility part of it. I have been saying that for years. Respect for others and responsibility comes before rights. You earn rights through hard work, or you do in the ideal world. In my job, in NSW I found that it did not matter how hard I worked, I was not going to get respect or rights from my principal simply because I was a single older woman with a child and I was Jewish.

Forbidden Love


We are both beloved

Of the holy, holy One

We are both precious ones

Sacred is our purpose

Holy is our time

There is no taint

There is no het, no sin

In our beings, in this life

We were lovers’ one flesh


And now

We are lovers in spirit



You of the ancient priestly caste

Nine generations of holy Jerusalemites

Stand guard and I, your humble servant,

Wait at the door.

A bastard half caste child bearing gifts

From the King of all Kings

I give you my stories and my songs

But my heart belongs

To the King of Kings

The Holy One

And to follow the rules

For I am no fool.

And my reward, a child of old age

To carry a name forward

For love for one.

And you have the maid

Destined for you

And the children

Destined for you.

All is good because

Our missions are different

We could never be together as one

But our G-D is One

And in this is PEACE.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The New Anti Semistism or is it really?

The New Anti Semitism and Rav Ari Shishler

I had the pleasure of one of the most interesting and upsetting lectures that I have been to for a long time.  Every year there is a learning program put on by various community groups in Melbourne. I did not get to go to many lectures last year as I was too busy with a lot of things and finishing off some writing, plus depressed a little by the lack of money over not working for the past five years. 

   Rabbi Ari Shishler spoke the main lecture at the program today about the new anti Semitism. In fact I disagree that it is a new anti Semitism. It is the same age old  anti Semitism, just wearing  more sophisticated clothes so to speak. What makes it so frightening is that it masquerades as civilized compassion and ‘love of the underdog’ at the expense of one group who has not done anything to deserve the labels that have been so freely plastered on them.

   At one stage I started to cry because I knew exactly what he was saying about this very clever manipulation of facts, having experienced exactly what he was talking about and I failed in the way I handled it. I failed miserably.  Let me explain.

On the morning of Wednesday the 11th of September, 2001 I was listening to the radio in my car as I made my way from Parramatta where I had just dropped my ex husband off to work, down to the selective  school Macquarie Fields High School in Sydney’s south west.  At the time the world was reeling in shock. The announcers struggled to find words to describe the horror that unfolded that day in the USA and were attempting to understand the magnitude of such a horrendous act. To be frank, I had expected something of this sort, as it was as obvious as the eventual rise of Hamas in Aza and the eventual rise of the fundamentalist Islamic regimes that are going to pop up over most of the Middle East and in parts of Europe and possibly even Australia. Yes, you may laugh at me and not even believe me, but that is their agenda and we in the west are extremely complacent in our outlook and very ‘liberal’.  It is this liberal outlook that is going to be our downfall.

When I arrived at Macquarie Fields we (the staff) were instructed under no circumstances were we to discuss the events of America’s terrorist attacks with students. We had a large percentage of students who are of Lebanese or Middle Eastern origins. Then we filed out to the assembly in the quadrangle where there were the usual notices and announcements until the deputy principal Virginia rose and went to the mike. She is a short round woman with curly hair, a plump pleasant woman who is always very friendly to staff and students alike. 

She announced ‘There will be a two minute silence to remember the thousands of dead and victims in New York and America, BUT’ and there was a dramatic pause,’ While we remember them, we must not forget’, and she emphasized each word carefully, ‘the oppression of the Palestinian people by Israelis that made acts like this possible.’ I sat in double shock and grief at her words. Stunned by what she had said, my first impulse was to leap up and proclaim loudly ‘Even if such oppression did in fact take place, it is no justification for this horror, this murder that has taken place in America.’ To this day, I regret that I did not do that.  Instead, I rationalized my passivity and said to myself, I am only going to get fired for this and besides given those sitting around me; I could very well be lynched for ‘pretending that the Palestinians are not oppressed’.  As I was recently returned from Israel and chose not to hide the fact that I was pro-Israel,  I had already been subject to some quite racist comments by two gentlemen I will name here who hold quite high positions in the NSW Department of Education. Paul Aboud and Mark Raffidi.  I dealt with it by never being alone in the staff room when they were around to avoid conflict.  I kept quiet.

To my eternal shame, the most I did was only to disobey the ruling that we were not to discuss the events of NY and America in the classroom. I did discuss those events and I reiterated again and again to my drama and English students that there is no justification for mass murder of innocent civilians in any form or shape what so ever.

What are we dealing with here? We are dealing with lies and manipulation of truths. The Islamists are using western democracy and the values of compassion and humanity against the western nations to infiltrate and set up processes in place where there is an exchange of power balances.  You will find in many places of the world that there will be a great struggle before people really wake up to what is happening. It is very clever. Islamic tolerance and values are being touted left right and centre, using our tax $ to overcome our reticence for the unfamiliar and to brainwash us into believing that Islam is a religion of peace. 

These sites are a prime examples of the Islamic mind set and Islamic agenda. Call me racist if you like, call me discriminatory but to be honest I believe in freedom of speech so much so that when a Palestinian boy at Heatherhill Secondary College was threatened with violence for supporting Saddam Hussein in 1991 I was equally determined that he should not be subjected to any taunts or violence because while I may disagree with him, I do strongly defend his right to speak his views and to hold his opinions, but not to impose them on others with violence. or otherwise. There is a distinction.
Wht is chilling about this report is that it and I quote urges Australians to become more informed about Islam and Islamic culture, but not the other way around.  There are a lot of Muslims I have met who have expressed hatred of 'racist Aussies', 'drunks', 'lazy pigs' and 'animals without culture' are some of the comments made to my face and behind my back by the Muslims we are supposed to tolerate and learn about. It is a two way street.

The tip of the iceberg is presented.  The realities of Islam as practiced in most African, Asian and Middle Eastern countries are very different.  We are little by little being set up and many of our so called intellectuals are buying into it. We are on the brink of a major conflict and those who thought that WW I and WW II were bad, do not understand what will be in the near future once the Islamists have  the power they so ardently crave.  Look at Egypt. Is there the so-called democratic Arab Spring?  Who has won power with 90% of the vote? Who will take power in Libya and who will gain the upper hand in Syria? Do I have to spell it out? I – S- L- A-M-I-C fundamentalists. We are not taking about your average practicing Muslim; we are talking about guys who will make the Christian priests of the Inquisition look like harmless kinder teachers. We are talking about guys who view those who are non Muslims as a lesser race of beings. Think anything different and you are seriously deluded, like the deputy principal at Macquarie Fields was in 2001.
The fact is we do have a proliferation of courses on Islam at University level as per example:( but it should not be at the expense of our own uniquely Australian history and culture. To be frank, I would rather see money going into Australian History, preservation and support of Australian Rural communities and Indigenous communities. an inordinate amount of money is being spent on
1. the buying up of things like Telstra Dome becoming the Etihad Stadium and the Emirates Melbourne Cup etc etc.
2. There is a lot of money being spent and educational programs being built up to assure us that Islam is peaceful and Islam is all about love and goodness and tolerance. Well if it was so damn tolerant, why does it need  all the PR and marketing?

If you don’t believe me, do just check out some of the programs that are par for course on Saudi TV and Al Jerzerra. Their own mouths condemn them. I rest my case.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Channukka shabbes fourth night

We will be lighting the fourth candle tonight. It is is Shabbes Channukka and may the light of life, peace and holiness shine through the darkness for us all. We do not use candles but oil as the miracle happened because of oil. Here are some songs and chag smeach to everyone.

Blessings for those who do not know them for lighting the candles

And Maoz-Tzur

and al Hanissim (Miracles)

Hebrew is a holy tongue and there is something very calming about it. I remember when I first learnt the letters from a dictionary I had in the Monash Co-Operative Bookshop. I felt this incredible sense of rightness and awareness that I was doing something very special. I knew it was the source of holiness and truth. Once you understand the purity of Judaism and Jewish thought and the connection to Hashem you are invincible in and of yourself. You are centred. When I deviated from the path of righteousness it was because I listened to too many other people. When you know that it is up to you to connect to Hashem and do the right thing and to be wary of others who are deviant or flirting with deviance, you are true to the holiness of G-D. We are made in the image of G-D and that we should not forget. It is very hard at times when we are surrounded by falseness and material temptations to be mistaken in our judgements and actions. But we can do tzuva and in Judaism tzuva is possible through a cleaving to the right way of speech, thought and action. In Islam the extremists stone you or cut your hand off or drown or cut the throats of innocent women, in Christianity they burned you at the stake or worst.
It is only in Judaism and through the practice of Judaism we learn to perfect and elevate ourselves.  We are about learning and and the refinement of that which may start out as unholy and we change it to achieve its potential greatness.

Ilana and Nir

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Galahs on High Alert


Galahs on High

Feathery softness, pink and grey
Perched high on the power line
Two Galahs, best mates
Nuzzling close, friends, or more?

A beautiful sight from down below
Seen whilst driving, in the morn
Peacefully playful, tender, together
The simplicity of the moment

Two creatures in the wild
Loving, caring, bonding, sharing
Or a primal instinctive behaviour?
They don’t care, neither should we

A pair of Galahs, high on a wire
Oblivious to all but themselves
A reward to see, in pink and grey
Few finer ways to start my day

Penned by Michael Barnett of Aleph Australia the GLBT group.

My poetic reply as Michael ignores the reality of real galah behaviour. Galahs are flock birds that usually mate for life. If a mate dies, then the partner gets quite depressed. They do repartner as a rule. Boy galahs have deep brown almost black irises and the girls have pink. You are able to sex galahs around twelve months of age. Before that, you cannot tell the difference between the sexes except if you DNA tested them of course. Galahs in cativity will choose to adopt a mate from the people that are around them. They get quite depressed if this person leaves them. They are quite sensitive birds and bond easily and for life. Of course captivity is not a natural state and galahs do prefer their own kind. They are birds with great character and personality.

Simply is also titled

Galahs on High Alert

‘Don’t be a galah.’ We’d be told

As kids we were oft crazy and bold

Racing round  paddocks, making squawking noises

Instead of talking or playing quietly with toys.

So what is a galah ,but a social flock bird;

That mates for life so I have heard.

Despite the availability of many mates,

They choose only one with the right traits

To be their one true love, to build the best nest

For the eggs from whence their chicks will hatch.

But before they do so, they dance, court and test

That potential mate and gaze deeply into eyes to match

The colour and sex, for galahs may be galahs, but

There are no swinging fellows or even gay galahs I think,

Among the flock for such things set up a chorus ‘Tut, tut, tut!’

As the male galah fixes his lusty brown eyes on irises pink

Before continuing to groom crests and chests of soft pink and grey

In preparation, then they squawk and talk about eggs to lay.

It’s all in the eye as a brown or black iris denotes a boy

And he wants only lay lady lay with pink eyes to be his toy.

For what will they build a nest with another boy bird for?

Even two girl galahs cannot make eggs that will hatch more

Baby galahs without the help of a male galah and only one mate

For a wife he wants for life, for a boy and girl together is the right state

Of being for matrimony to be, to build a productive and healthy fate.

Now there is a sweet boy galah with his gallant black eyes.
Here is Polly with pretty pink.

Winter Versus the Barnett Baloney

I received this comment with a tirade from Michael Barnett in my inbox this afternoon.  A very nice
piece of writing and a response to one of MB's rants about gay people having legal marriages.

Now read MB's tirade against it and MB really gets on his soap box about this. He probably gets discounts on his soap bars because he keeps dropping them in the boys shower room when he goes to the swimming pool.
And I quote Michael BARNETT

'The entirety of this comment is offensive in the extreme.  The author states that GLBT people are "abnormal", "disabled", "developmentally immature", "confused", "not fully developed", "in need of counselling" and implies that we are not capable of having "fully functioning and fulfilling" relationships.
Winter's anti-intellectual ramblings are reminiscent of that employed by the infamous dictators who relegate undesirables to sub-human status.
Further to a complaint by me regarding the deeply offensive and vilifying nature of the comment, the J-Wire editor Henry Benjamin swiftly removed the comment.  Fortunately the damage done by publication of the comment had been mitigated.
I hope never to see this sort of language published ever again on any web site, especially a Jewish one."

I am not sorry to say this Michael but I happen to agree with Winter. Most gay and lesbian people are emotionally immature as they cannot conceive of a partnership or marriage with a member of the opposite sex. Michael's immaturity is all too apparent in his poem about two galahs this morning. I nearly threw my breakfast up laughing. It makes for interesting reading anyhow. With all due respect, just what is it that you hope to convey to the public?  To Paul Winter - well expressed and sensitive and respectful. It is neither hateful nor spiteful nor Nazi like to say what Paul is saying, unless of course you happen to be Michael Barnett.


We love latkes in our house and today we had guests to help us eat them for a hour or so. I did not put onion in my latkes tonight but it was simply two large grated potatoes and part of a sweet potato. Some salt and pepper and three eggs with some corn meal flour.

The end results are pictured below.

We ate and then it was time to give out some channukka gelt and light the candles. The second candle tonight and I am early to bed or early as possible to read and prepare to rise early for the last day of the school year in 2011. Hopefully to be working again in 2012 soon.
They are really yummy with sweet potato and you can have them milky with some sour cream or Quarg cheese. I am talking about the latkes, not the chocolate coins. Tomorrow I make latkes for my colleagues at GEC.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Viennese Lipizzaner Stallions

If anyone wants to know what Lipizzaners are here are some links. Magnificent horses, but OY the training that they must have to undergo to do these airs.

Some individual links to some of the horses performances.

the beautiful breathtaking capriole
Tomorrow is Hannukka and I am going to leave the greek decadence and worship of the physical forms of beauty and hearken towards more spiritual in keeping with Hannukka.

Tara Moss's The Spider Goddess Rewritten in part


I have just been reading a story in the herald sun and what a dreadful piece of barf it is.
Here is the link if you want to read the original. My version is below. You can vote for the preferred version. Mine could not be worst than hers.  I will continue my rewrite of the whole text tomorrow but it is a real laugh.


You can read the full HER version in the link above but I will reshape and rewrite this in its entirety.

The silken nightgown swirled whitely around my thighs and knees in the half light of dusk as I stood on the sparse hilltop overlooking the grassy valley. The breeze billowed and furrowed the gossamer cloth. It also raised the hairs on arms gallantly trying to control the foaming fabric as my modesty became increasingly threatened.

The sky over to the east was a radiant blue. Gathering clouds of  darkness rolled ominously towards me from the west.

The still warm sun burned my face and shoulders despite the cool breeze tugging my clothes. Closing my eyes I breathed in - jasmine and frangipani. The sound of bees and crickets thrumming edged into my consciousness. This unknown place was familiar yet, not.

Sensing movement in the distance, I searched the horizon. A rider. A white horse. Was this some cliché riding the highway in my direction? Oh yes, it was. A teenage female fantasy. A youth, his face half hidden by a helmet, sat erect in the saddle, his back ramrod straight. The pure white stallion floated along the road in the true Lipizzaner 'airs above the ground' floating gait. As the young man and the horse approached the grunting breath of the stallion, the jingle of its bridle and creaking of leather drowned the bees and the crickets were silenced, either in fright or awe at this romantic spectacle of overblown fantasia travelling at a leisurely pace along the road.

His royal blue riding jacket was sharp as a starched dinner napkin; the lapels crisp, the waist fitted tight to accentuate his lean hips and broad shoulders.
the frock of the coat draped the back of the saddle. His light cream jodhpurs moulded over strong thighs and crotch and then flowed down into the black riding boots that clasped his calf muscles like a second skin.
The hilt of a silver sword enclosed in a scabbard of exquisite workmanship rested against one hip. The helmet on his head was pure beaten copper and silver. It had a little pipik pointing to the heavens. He must have seen me on the hilltop from a distance. The stallion picked up speed. He sat the gait well. He reached me in what seemed like eons. The horse neighed as he eased it to a standstill. It stood quivering with the effort of its recent exertions. Then raised its tail and let out a long burping fart, followed by the pungent odour of fresh dung and the sounds of plopping of even lumps onto the roadway. The man moved forward in the saddle and spat over the pommel of the saddle into the dust below.
'Miss, you're a candidate for pneumonia in that outfit. It's fittin' to storm soon.' He hawked and spat again. 'So, ya want a lift home.' He kicked a boot clad foot out of the stirrup iron and held out his hand to assist me up onto the stallion.

I wanted to reach out and touch it.

"Miss Pandora," the man said in a formal tone.

I looked up. The man was handsome and familiar.

Lieutenant Luke, I tried to reply, but the words would not come.

He reached down to take my hand.

"Join me," he said in a deep, masculine voice, his bright blue eyes seeming to glow with a strange intensity.

I did not hesitate, yet as I reached out to accept his hand I found that I could not touch him.

His hand, though it looked like it was right there, was somehow untouchable; my own moved through it.

What's happening? I tried to ask, but found that I could not speak.

I felt a rumble under my bare feet.

Something was coming. Something terrible.

The ground shook.

I retracted my hand, as did he, and my gaze fell to the crest of the hill.

We both felt it. We both heard it - the grunts and curious moans, the hundreds of running feet.

What's happening?

And then we saw.

Corpses. Thousands of reanimated corpses ran towards us, mouths open, tongues lolling, their eyes blazing red.

Some had no arms, some no head, but still they propelled themselves up the hill towards us with remarkable, unnatural speed.

Revenants. Zombies.

I reached again for Luke but, to my horror, my hand went right through his again.

It was me, I realised. I was the ghost.

I couldn't touch him because I wasn't real.

He couldn't take me away from all this.

Luke's white horse moved restlessly, inching sideways and throwing its head up and down. "Easy now ... "

The ghoulish creatures were nearly upon us.

I stumbled backwards as the magnificent white stallion reared up, and Luke unsheathed his shining sword.

"Luke!" I finally managed to yell, my voice returned to me. "Luke!"

But he was gone.

Some sound or sense woke me from my nightmare.

I ran a hand over my clammy face and opened my heavy eyes.

I was in the four-poster bed in my room at Great-Aunt Celia's.

It was a beautiful room with a high ceiling, and everything in it seemed wonderfully old and ornate.

Even in the low light I could make out the mirror on the oak dresser, and the tall antique wardrobe next to it.

My dress for the next day - for later this morning, in fact - hung from the front of the wardrobe, waiting for sunrise.

It was another outfit Celia had designed in the forties, this one black, with an elaborate gold belt and a white collar.

I could also make out the sloping Victorian writing desk under one of the two tall, arched windows that faced on to Addams Avenue outside.

One of the windows was open just a crack, as usual, to let air in.

The curtains were only partially closed, just as I'd left them.

They swayed slightly in the night breeze.

Even in my sleepy state, I could see that everything was in its place.

I was safe. There were no rushing hordes of rotting revenants.

Not yet, anyway.

"Miss Pandora?"

I wondered if I was still dreaming.

I blinked and looked around me.

"Miss Pandora. I heard you cry out."

My eyes rested on a white, nebulous form materialising near my bed.

Lieutenant Luke.

He appeared at the foot of my bed, wearing a dark blue cap emblazoned with a pair of crossed gold swords, his long frock coat neatly fitted on his masculine form, the polished buttons done up to the neck.

The coat fitted his broad shoulders impeccably and tapered at his slim waist, cinched with a leather belt.

He was dressed as he had been in the dream, just as he always was - in the Union soldier's uniform of the Civil War.

A war in which he'd fought and died.
TARA Moss is a model turned gothic novelist and TV presenter. She is also a UNICEF patron. The Spider Goddess is Moss's second Pandora English book, and she has six more novels in the pipeline. G-D forbid if they are all going to be as badly written as this one is.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds

The cards flutter down on green felt

A soft slapping sound as the dealer deals

A fool’s game of loss that steals and seals

The fate of some with more wealth

Less than the sense to understand

That no one knows if the cards are marked

And if he has a sleight of hand

To hide well what cards he parked

In the pack and destined to lead astray

The sharpest eye and erode the game play

Of those experienced players who read the faces

Of their opponents when the aces

Are dealt right from the bottom deck

To land not at random but where

They are selected.

Life is often a card game,

Where the deck is cut by a dealer

Who knows the beginning and end of the game

Before it starts and none is the same

except Hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds

Are four different parts of fortune.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Heart Ache

Last Thursday night, I saw the most depressing movie. It was a movie about egos. Narcissists whose selfish desires for self gratification and justifications for their selfish actions were totally out of control in every direction. Usually they make movies about people who inspire others or who have overcome great adversity and who show the greatness of human spirit that we all aspire to emulate. Usually they make movies that tell a story. This movie was morbid and frightening in its lack of empathy. I don’t recommend seeing it, unless you want to be thoroughly shocked and depressed by its sense of alienation from the human spirit. Simply awful. The violence was subtle and understated, but a common thread that bound the movie together into a huge ball of egos which formed a planet headed on a collision force with planet earth and that  finally hit and destroyed the earth’s life.

It is movies like this that should never be made and should never have money, time and effort wasted on them. The name of the movie is Melancholia and that was the name of the planet that is about to collide with the earth. Obviously the people who made the movie were wasted on Prozac or Zoloft and they then thought the state of mind of the characters portrayed was a normal condition. I assure you, it is not.

Tied to this thought, I want to discuss heart ache. We all feel some level of heart ache throughout our lives. It is normal and healthy. We grow through our pains as much as our joys in life. Heartache often binds us to reality and it makes us strive to try harder in many directions. We strive to cover our disappointments with achievements in a variety of fields. The disappointments may be in ourselves, our family, our friends and our associates at work or socially.

Our joys are the high points, the pivotal moments in our existence. They are brief moments in times when we conquer ourselves and the world around us for the better. It is when we do not see heart ache for what it really is and get too caught up in it and wallow, instead of learning from it that we run into trouble. G-D sets us tests of faith and endurance in our life. It is sort of like running a marathon and not knowing where the finish line is but enjoying the run and pacing ourselves to finish rather than to win. We do our best and only our best. We cannot compare ourselves to others who have different goals or different abilities and talents.

We must look up to the stars and see ourselves reflected in the light. Then we must look down at the ground and understand where we are and where we need to go. Many times the night is dark and we have no guide in it all except G-D. Those we think are friends – they are not friends but merely wolves with a taste for blood, circling us looking for a weak point to spring in and rip at our jugular to bring us down and drink our life blood and go on invigorated by the kill. I had a person who I thought was a friend for just under forty years. Then there is family who you think by accident of birth are friendly and that they may be kindly disposed towards you and they are not. You are the scapegoat, the focal point of malaise in your family and nothing you do will ever be right. You will be criticised for each action, word or thought you have. You are what is wrong with the family and only through criticism of you, will the other members of your family feel right because you bear the burden of their guilt, their uncertainties and their failures in life. To escape this negativity you may have to cut off all contact and even for that you will be criticised, so you can’t win.

If you have contact, you will be negated and brow beaten at every turn and made to feel that your very existence is a bane, a blight on the lives of other family members and if there is one family member who is kindly disposed towards you, he or she will be attacked as well because of guilt by association.  If you don’t have contact, you will again be attacked as the problem. So you do not know what to do. On one hand you desire family and want closeness with family but when you do have family contact, your senses feel invaded by the negative projections and the power they have to inflict hurt on you and those you love like your children. All the negativity will be reflected onto them.

Usually you form friendships that are long lasting and from which you get a much more positive self reflection instead of bad, bad, bad and more bad that you receive from your family. This is called dysfunctional families. Healthy families have close contact with all members and while there are personality clashes, it is smoothed over and life goes on.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Eight lights plus one


Take the light of love
Light a candle for peace
Light a candle for hope
Light a candle for faith
Light a candle for unity
Light a candle for courage
Light a candle for empathy
Light a candle for compassion
Light a candle that connects us
All to G-D
and we act in the image of our Creator
Whose love and mercy was,is and will be

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

How do we protect our kids?

How do we protect our children against this sort of behaviour and twisted way of thinking. Yes, they put it down to out of control instinctive behaviour that twists and perverts a natural drive. However as an Orthodox Jew, I am taught to control all animal instincts and to have balance  and spirituality in my life. I am taught to be respectful of myself and others. I am taught through Torah to value all people from all walks, cultures and ways of living except where an idea, concept or behaviour impinges on the rights and comfort zone of other people.
I personally cannot make excuses for this sort of behaviour. It is an abomination and many societies have through out history tended to accept or avoid confronting this sort of behaviour that destroys the most vulnerable members of society - our children.
If you read the stories or reports of victims of child abuse and the impact it has on their lives, you watch a man like this vile animal and feel sick at heart, utterly and totally sick. Most of these perpetrators are extremely intelligent and twisted because they have no feelings for the victims but it is purely about satisfying their own lusts and drives for pleasure from an assault on a child or young person who does not have the emotional or psychological know how to withstand such manipulations. They are very, very clever in a perverse and sick way.
Another thing I find very hard to understand is how you can sexualise a child's body or perhaps I have personally (and I thank G-D for that) never felt the uncontrollable urge to have sexual contact with a child or person much younger than my self even when younger when such drives are more powerful in a person. I think it could be upbringing. We were just not heavily sexualised in the imagery and texts read or films. I think we will have a lot more pedophilia sadly in society because of the heavily sexualised images used in advertising and in films. Many odd things and behaviours have become acceptable or a blind eye is turned to them. Children are often confused by the heavy sexualisation and blurred social boundaries in today's society. Girls get drunk and act in ways that are slutty and sexually provocative and then men's urges get out of control and 'rapes'  occur. The onus is on women to behave correctly and expect more respect from men and in fact demand it. However with children, you have adults who are totally out of control in the way they express their sexual behaviour. Not on. Then they try to rationalise it. I have one warning.
TOUCH MY KID INAPPROPRIATELY & I KILL YOU.  That is the one thing that would put me in prison apart from unpaid parking fines. I have no sympathy for geniune pedophiles like this. To me they are garbage that tries to justify their vile behaviour and they should be locked in a 4 by 6 cell with a toilet and wash basin for life. They do not deserve one iota of sympathy or respect. I have a lot of respect for Derryn Hinch who named some of these awful creatures. We need to know where they are and how to defend ourselves and protect our children against them.



  It is





   We Add


Candle each day

With a shamesh.

The flame flares

Sweet, beeswax

Melts down the

Side of the light

Which commemorates

The victory of Yehuda

HaMaccabi the Holy Jew

Over Hellenistic fleshy

Delights in this world, to

Preserve our immortality

Brings peace to our souls.

Channukka the festival of inner lights

In the deepest darkness of wintering.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Private Schools - Are they worth it?

If education is about quality, one could be forgiven for thinking that if you pay more for your education, it will be better quality. Sometimes that is true, but ultimately it is up to the teacher to inspire the students to aspire to do well. Plenty of people have paid for expensive educations for their children and it has all been for nought.
My education was at two private boarding schools which I loathed and destested. In fact girls boarding schools are noted for their bitchiness and mine particularly so. I have only one person I would think worth contacting in my graduating class and she was an indigenous girl from Birdsville. I had brilliant teachers, I loved my art teacher Mrs Stent, my English Teacher - a doughty old Scotswoman called Mrs Mac Donald or Mrs Mack and we had the two Lowe sisters for Geography and History in years 7 to 9. Mrs McClelland was our Science teacher and I cannot remember the name of the Maths teacher. I was the bane of her life for two years in PGC in 9 and 10 then I dropped Maths - much to her relief I would suggest. We had a lovely french teacher whose name I also have forgotten over time. French was a good muck around subject but we did learn a bit, but not seriously. It was not my passion like Hebrew was and still is.  In my senior years there was Dolly Dahms for Modern History. He was balding with a habit of scratching the top of his head with one fingertip when deep into the causes of World War 1 and the Versailles agreement or german inflation and the rise of Hitler's Germany. The other subject Ancient History I loved but I had a rather revolting teacher who took an instant dislike to me. He was a defrocked minister of some church and for some reason he hated me on sight. Stubby threw me out of class, so I went to study in the art room and topped the year even though a girl called Linda Cheung got the Senior History Prize in Ancient for the year. The Senior Examiners disagreed with Stubby's assessment of my ability and intellect, thus I scored far higher on the independent external exams.
I remember putting myself in the B senior English class purely because I was in the throes of a puppy love for a pimple faced leader of the Scots College marching band. I deliberately fudged my English marks ( we do do silly things when young and thinking we are in love) and argued with my English Teacher who was the Principal of PGC at the time that I deserved to be in the B class. I was apart from being in love, bored with her classes where she read us poetry and her voice droned on and on and on. Lovely lady, but totally boring as a teacher. McKinlay who took the B class on the other hand was a rude, sarcastic, pompous bastard, but by G-D he was a wonderful teacher in that he involved you in the class if you could understand him. We did Evelyn Waugh's The Loved One and I thoroughly enjoyed the text but many in the B class hated it. Then there was Spencer who took Geography which bored me in Year 11 so I dropped it at the end of the year leaving me only five subjects for my Senior year. I probably should have done Maths.
What was wrong with the boarding school for me was precisely this. I was a financially challenged grazier's daughter. We had impoverished family circumstances and I did not have the wardrobe or spending power of well over half my class mates. Thus I was considered persona non gratia. I was invisible. Probably why I sought attention for my personality among class mates and did comic routines - we all need to socialise. I was looked down apon by most of my classmates, because I was not with it and for them I was frankly just dumb because I did not have money and could not talk about holidays in Mexico or France or going to Europe after I finished my senior year.
The interesting thing was though, that sometimes I was useful. Like when a very wealthy businessman's daughter Virginia who had been kicked out of several schools took me along with her while she did a bit of 'five finger discounting' in the Warwick stores. She took me along and was wanting me to store her 'purchases' in my cupboard. I refused. A week or two later she was caught and tried to say that I was involved and had done it for her as I was giving her gifts. I learnt to be very wary of such 'friends'. I was a rogue and a scallywag who was attention seeking, but I was not a thief.
What is my point in this ramble, apart from keeping my hand in writing? Well, unless you want a religious education for your child and for them to be given a set of values, you might as well send your child to a public school. I do want a religious education and Hebrew for my son, so hopefully he will be in a religious school again by High School. High Schools are in Victoria good schools in the main part. A high school is only as good as the principal that runs it. That goes for any school.
I am a hack teacher. I know my stuff and I do what I have to do to get the kids to improve and learn, but I am mediocre. I am not brilliant and would never make a principal, definitely NOT and nor would I want to be one. I would have no time for my writing. I would never make a team leader or head teacher because I lack the ambition to do so. I survive mainly by doing what I have to do and being a little creative in the doing. I love teaching but I know that I will never be brilliant as a teacher. I agree with the workcover psychiatrist's report even though it was only a three hour once off consultation when he said I had a Severe Borderline Personality Disorder  Axis II. There were quite a few mistakes in that report but I guess we can't all be perfect, even psychiatrists have their off days. It even had things that had never happened in my life in it which was a bit odd. I can remember that they said I had received 'meals from staff at Narrandera High School when I came home from Wagga Wagga after having my son in 2003. I know one woman bought me around a bag of greasy chips and a loaf of sliced white bread. She told me it was a 'chip butty' I was disgusted but tried not to show my disgust, and she sat at the table while I breast fed my week old son and as soon as she was out the door, into the bin they went. I used the excuse that I was drinking tea and it did not mix so as not to offend her. She also did not know me very well. I NEVER eat white sliced loaf bread. It is either home made, organic wholemeal or spelt bread.
Apparently there were according to what was written in this report, dead silences when I walked into the staff common room. I did not go there because sitting among people who are engaged in ripping down people who are not present is not my cup of tea either. I prefer the positive.
Anyway all I can hope to do is to gain my full registration and to continue to work teaching.  Next week I am going to have to apply for a housing commission house and hope my son is finished schooling before I need to go into it. I know of one woman also a single mother who went into housing commission flats when her sons were , 9 years old, 12 years old and 14 respectively. The 12 year old got onto drugs and tried to commit suicide twice by the age of 15. The 9 year old who is now 16 lives with his father and the 15 year old who is now 22 is a very troubled young man. That sort of environment I do not need for my son. No matter how good the school, it is the home environment that often controls the success or not of a student in school.  Students with a strong and healthy home life, they will do well. Students who have crap in their lives, whether the mother and father are multi millionaires and their children go to the top private schools or Mum and Dad do ice for breakfast and the kids go without most basics and drag themselves to the local high school - these kids cannot do well if they do not have some sort of support in their lives through a teacher, the school or family.
Basically I am afraid for my son at times. When he curls up in a forlorn heap on the bed because he does miss having a father, I know I have to try extra hard for him and put my needs aside always. Mum comes second to kids. Kids cannot look after themselves but adults can. Workwise I have to do what I can for both of us to keep a roof over our head. I have to deal with the horridness of my family towards me and I suspect now that if I don't get my full teaching registration, I will have to find a way to get him an education and the sorts of things in his life to ensure his success. Deniliquin and Narrandera set us back so much because what affected me with the bullying also affected him.
I do not know what will become of us as I am no longer thirty or even forty but approaching sixty in three years time.
I do not know what will happen to us and do I think any of my work colleagues would care? No why should they? If I can't hack the pace and do a proper job then I will have to get out and get on the dole because if I am useless and I will let the side down. A team is only as good as the members on it and if I am not doing a good job then I do not deserve that job and that is fair as fair goes.
That is what life is about. It may be better for my son to stay with a religious family who can give him what I cannot give him if I do not have a job. There is no point in making him suffer because of me. He is a beautiful kid and why should he be hurt because he has a terrible mother.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Modesty - What is it and some Jewish perspectives...

This afternoon I was walking in the park with my son, a friend and her daughter. We saw something that made both my friend and I detour and take our children away before their minds were polluted by the carryings on of two men who were in the park. These two men were lying together, one on top of the other kissing each other. Well, perhaps, I should not call it kissing but two men with their mouths glued together over each other and moving in a very suggestive fashion. It was nauseating. Absolutely nauseating and I would feel the same way if it was a heterosexual couple that I saw in a similar position but not quite so revolted, just sad that some people are so ignorant and lacking in self respect and dignity to behave in such a fashion in full view of the public.
In Jewish life, there are some things that are very private and not discussed in the open. In Jewish life and in the way we conduct ourselves in our personal life and even in our public life, we need to be above question and to be respectful of ourselves and others. Men and women do not touch or have intimacy before marriage, not because we are repressed or oppressed. We do so out of respect for the intimacy of a male female relationship that is above the pure animal instinct of procreation. The interaction of a man and a woman who have pledged themselves to one another under a huppa is a complex and intensely private relationship that allows for no other third party except for G-D himself. That tells us something about the sacred nature of the relationship of a man to his wife and vice versa. In the Hebrew word Ish (man) there is a an aleph, Yud and a shin. In the Hebrew word Isha (woman) there is an aleph, shin and a hey. One of the main names of G-D consists of a yud and a hey and it is simply this. If the union of a man and a woman has sanctity and holiness, it is whole because of this yud and hey that each partner will provide and the union is strong and blessed. If it is not based on G-Dliness or holiness then what letters are left? Simply the aleph and the shin which is Esh and esh is the word for fire or lust. What happens when the material lust of the the relationship is burnt up, there is only esh and ash. There is no spirituality or holiness to support and strength the bond between the man and the woman and thus they are on the level of animals who copulate for some time and then part ways. It is that greater bond - the holiness of a union that has sanctity that allows a man and a woman to see beyond the normal daily conflicts to the greater purpose of why they are together and what is their purpose in life. Humans do, all of us, we have a mission to fulfil in our time on this planet and in this existence, whether we like to acknowledge it or not.
The Jewish view of marriage goes beyond child bearing (although that is a part of it) beyond the physical into a relationship that is intense, spiritually elevating and transforming for both partners and ultimately long lasting and deeply respectful of both parties nature and role in the scheme of things.
We are holy beings and if we do not understand that and do not behave as though we are, we are selling ourselves and others short. We behave or should with modesty and discretion at all times. Modesty is more than just our outward physical behaviour. It controls our speech and the way we speak about others. It controls the way we discipline our children and the way we relate to our friends. Every time I learn more about how lax I have been in the past in some areas, even in the way I speak to my son, I realise I have not treated him with proper kivod or respect, even though he is a child. To engender respect in a child, you must give him respect and that is softly and gently. Guide him or her in the ways that he or she needs to go. Understand what sort of behaviour is worthy of him or her.
Modesty controls the way we walk, talk and think about the world.  I spoke to someone about reading a popular woman's magazine and I said this magazine is not modest and it is not tznuit to read about others and it is lashon hara. I have stopped reading them in Doctor's surgeries now because I came to a realisation that I was wasting my time on shtuss (nonsense) and was my life really enriched by the sight of David and Victoria half naked tattooed bodies with their children and their affairs, was it really my business and why should I make it so? It is lashon hara. It is pollution of the mind. I was told it is not lashon hara because it is dealing with non Jewish people and they are allowed to do what they like. It is not our affair. I disagree. Once you start splitting hairs and saying how you can read this sort of trashy magazine because it is about 'non Jews' and how do you know that they are not, some of them, Jews, albeit very ignorant ones? Why should we draw lines in the sand here? Isn't it better to be careful even respectful of non Jews and Jews alike and treat their modesty and privacy with equal dignity? It is nonsense to say we can look at magazines that show goyim in half naked states. We need to be careful and to understand that these magazines are powerful tools of the yetzer ra. We think, ahh, it can't hurt to have a little look. That is how the yetzer ra works. Just a little thread, just a little look, it will not hurt and we start to think about the strictness of our standards, maybe we are being harsh and too insular.
I have news for you. You cannot be too careful. We must be careful and we must be vigilant. We must uphold the laws of modesty in our speech, our dress, how we treat others, what we eat and how we eat and what we read and view. The vulgarity of this present world is pervasive and it allows many things that even twenty five years ago would be viewed with horror.
I was on a school camp several days ago and one student wore a dress that revealed more than was deemed modest even by today's lax standards. She was told by a young male teacher to change into something less revealing. She did but then she went and complained to the head male teacher about this fellow colleague of mine. I admired this young man's courage to stand up for a standard of dress and for standards in behaviour. It is rare in this permissive age.
Girls of today are allowed to look slutty and sexually open and available. In fact it is encouraged from an early age in these times. It is this sort of thing that decided me. I would not have a TV in my house because of the disrespectful and horrid way women and men are portrayed in a demeaning and uncivilised manner.
I do not want my son growing up seeing women as sexual objects to be used and discarded like bits of dreck. I want my son to have a wife that he respects and treasures as a dignified and modest human being who graces his life with many things other than just being a mother to his children. I want him to see the full picture, the deeper image of living a life that adheres to a Torah way of life. No wonder we have so many divorces and broken relationships and lives are confused. We need modesty and we need the calmness of a refined and delicate perspective on life.
Let this week be filled with brachot for all people and may we all understand modesty and the real meaning of tzniut in our lives and may our lives develop along a constant path of enrichment through respect and love of our fellow Jew and others.

Some interesting websites for us to peruse on modesty.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Good Friends

Good friends take your hand
And they do understand
When family members judge you incapable,
Impossible, horrid and vile and label
You to hell and back again.

They tell you you can despite the pain
It just takes a little more effort, man
To climp that peak
To find that which you seek.
Good friends allow you to break
Then put you together again with hot tea,
Chocolate and something sweet
to ease the bitterness
of rejection for no reason than you are who
you were born to be and not some carbon copy
of who they wanted you to be.
We can believe in G-D
Any one of us
but there are many paths to the same source
of light.
Our journey may be separate
We may be alone
But we are not
because each and every one of us
arrives together at the end.
It just takes faith
Allowing G-D to enter your heart
Never fearing despite the tests
We pray for strength to overcome them all
Trusting G-D will give us what we need
to pass them all and remembering that it is done
Out of love.
Humans are not so kind
and some do not treasure life
The way we do
Some do not treasure others
The way we do
some do not treasure peace
The way we do
Good friends treasure one another
and respect each other
even if families do not
That is why they are good friends.
Some families have perfected the art
Of Friendship and that is good
If and when it happens
Respect and love
Go hand in hand.
Good friends are rarer than precious jewels
Twice as valuable
Because jewels have a price
Friends do not.

What does one do when confronted with hatred from unexpected quarters

I should have been warned by events from the past, from childhood and my teenage years. Especially as I was not allowed to return home for a year after I finished my Senior year at the boarding school I was sent to and also just had my leg out of plaster after six months on crutches (an accident from running to greet my mother who had gone overseas for six months after my beloved grandmother died. I was too eager to hope that she would like me and be a mother to me for once.) I was given the choice of Teachers College or the public service. I should have realised then how my mother really felt about me. She is all show and not an iota of understanding or compassion.
I do not have a family and with the death of my father, my last link to the family has gone. They have never rang me and never will. I was the one who did the ringing and they led me on to believe that I was one of their family when really it was all fun and games for them. They were laughing behind my back and even to my face with the stories calculated to distress me and especially when I find out the truth. What they ultimately want is for me to suicide and then they have another reason to get sympathy because of the 'terrible, abusive sister' and they can then breathe a sigh of relief and say silently to themselves, 'thank goodness the bloody nuisance of a bitch has rid the world of herself and us.' They are really frightened that I will just pop up but I feel now they would have some 'nice' psychological games ready to play with my mind and try and unsettle and destroy me emotionally. Just the way they spoke about me as if I am a person in great need of psychological help and frankly they want me to be, because if I am successful in anything it shows them for the liars that they all are.
Why I am publishing this on the net? Because if anything happens to me I want to leave a trail or a record. Someone said to me I should not. I should just talk to one or two close friends, it is airing dirty linen in public. Sometimes some things  must be aired and the wounds need lancing and drastic cleansing and there is nothing like fresh air to cleanse a dirty festering wound that has been kept in bandages too long.
Also by keeping quite the wounds just get deeper and deeper and more toxic. I want it aired and the limb amputated and that is it. I know there are ghost feelings in limbs and that is perhaps what I will have once I amputate this gangrenous limb from the rest of my body. They are quite evil and when I had told a friend that I was actually invited up there to stay with my brother and I was so surprised and very suspicious as to why. She told me that there could be something behind it and that they are cooking up something between them and that all they have told me about how my mother ended up in the home could actually be lies apon lies. The fact that I have emails attesting to the fact that 'You have emotional and psychological difficulties and should seek the appropriate help' shows the way they are going. My friends have said that even the fact that I lost my job in NSW means that they could very well be involved in that and it is all a ploy to destroy my credibility as a person and to try and push me over the edge and take custody of Nir or even to put him in a home as my mother once said to me that 'he is not really your son. He is not really my grandson, genetically he is someone else's. You could put him in a home and that would be far more convenient for you. You could live your life again.' She is quite vile in that respect and that was what started our last big fight before she went into the home. I don't believe any child of mine would have been recognisable as her grandchild. To be honest, I think they want me certified if they could and they have wanted this for a long time. They would have done it in my twenties if they could.
I remember that vulgar letter she sent to someone about Ofer the Israeli guy I went out with for a couple of years and how she never wrote to me the whole year I was in Israel in 1986. That should have warned me what she thought of me and also of Jews. She is a total Nazi. I remember being horrified when she told me that the Arnold's daughter who had Down's Syndrome should be euthanized or at least sterilised so she could 'not breed' and that it would be kinder for all concerned if she was, especially the mother. I wondered then how I could have such a mother and how someone could think like that. I sort of think that someone like Michael Barnett of Aleph would find a kindred spirit in my mother because he is an extremist the other way. Anyone who does not believe in gay marriage etc etc is a candidate for the Nazi gay lobby's extermination list like I am. It is plastered all over the net and there are errors as well in my life as apparently these wretched people know more about my life and events that never happened in my life than I do.
I believe in normalcy. I believe in family and while I do not espouse gay lifestyles etc, I still do not believe we have the right to discriminate against them. I think they have rights of partnerships etc. Marriage is for men and women, not two men or two women. End of story. I do believe that it is normal for heterosexual couples to have children but I view with trepidation two gay men raising children or two gay women raising them from the simple fact of normal human behaviour and family issues. I do not even like being a single parent as I believe children need a father very much so. However I was not given much choice in the matter and that is that. I am doing the best I can with a lot of opposition from people who think it is my choice or that I adopted my son. What do they want to do, view his birth certificate and maybe I should publish it on the web. Like the principal in Narrandera who did not believe that my ex Nir's father was really married to me. Until he saw the marriage and divorce certificate. He probably thought they were fake. As if I have the time.