Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Confessions of a "Lowlife"


Recently I received an email that spouted all sorts of interesting statements about me, my state of mind, my personal sense of being and my beliefs. It came thirty seven years too late to have an impact on me. If I had received such an email when I was twenty one or twenty five years old. I would have cried for days. But as it stands I refuse to be affected by its contents and the contents of other emails that I received telling me ‘I was cracking up’ and etc, etc. My comments about someone I published on FB will remain and I hope that I am wrong the person I wrote about is not going to be used in the way I fancy she could be.

Single mothers are very vulnerable people. We have no partner in life to bounce ideas and situations off. There is no one to discuss and reflect on events connected to the raising of one’s children and we often do make mistakes without that second head around to process situations. It is very easy for single mothers to be used even my their ex husband.  For example, my ex husband was up on assault charges in Sydney. Yes, the person who he had insulted had called him ‘a black dog’, but he did behave badly and his consequent behaviour afterwards was never exemplary.

Our son was, at the stage he was going to court, eight months old. He asked me to come to Sydney and he and the ‘girlfriend’ (he called her a close friend) who he had had since I was four or five months pregnant , maybe earlier, would pay my fare up there and he would get to see Nir, but in return I was to show the judge that ex and I were a ‘happy little family with a new baby’. UMMM yes despite the fact that I and my son were living in Narrandera alone and he was living in Sydney with another woman. I told him thank you very much for your ‘kind offer’, but no thank you. He said he would back pay me the $300 a month child support that he had told me he would give me if i would just ‘support him’ and stop him from going to jail.  I had heard those promises before and others.  I said NO. You go to court and you present the situation honestly.  I am not going to come to Sydney and I think the judge will decide on the merits of your case and you have a girl friend, good luck to you. I have my job and my child to worry about. I have enough in my life without handling any more crap from you. He got abusive and threatening. Threatened to come and take our son away to Nigeria and give him to his mother to look after because I was a disloyal and unfit wife.  I fixed that situation I divorced six months later so I could then be the disloyal and unfit ex wife.

It was interesting the garbage that came out of his mouth when he did visit. He accused me of trying to poison him and all sorts of things that I did not dream of. I dreamt only of an honest and open caring relationship where nothing was hidden. His bank accounts were hidden because I might steal his money. (???)Yeah right, I was his wife and what was I going to spend it on? Things for our home where he would benefit and it would improve our lives.  Where he went at night until three o’clock in the morning at times. That was a state secret.  I was trying to control him if I wanted to know. Often his phone would be switched off and go to message bank. Now I might have been more trusting when it was just me and him.  I did give him the benefit of the doubt, many times, but when it involved the welfare and future of a child, I was not at all trusting.  I got devious answers time and time again.

I decided then and there one night after two hours of an abusive phone call and things said to me that were similar to what was said in the email from my supposed ‘good friend’ LOL with friends like that who needs enemies, that I would go for sole custody of my son so he would have one stable element in his life without the ups and downs of his father’s rubbishy doings.  I thought he can play around with me and try and mess me up but I am not going to let him do it to a child. Even so he only came down to Narrandera every six to eight weeks to see his son and a couple of times he borrowed money from me to go back to Sydney because he visited the pubs in Narrandera and lost his money at the poker machines.

I paid very dearly for my marriage with him and our child has paid dearly too. He does not have a father. He is half African Australian.  He is a lovely kid and he does not deserve this BS in his life and the racist taunts from those who should know better.

A kindergarten teacher tried to tell me my child was a psychopath, not exactly in those words but it offended me quite a lot and she did untold damage to my child. I hope she does not give similar treatment to another child who skin might be slightly darker than lily white Caucasian. I was blinded by a belief in the goodness and honesty of the person. I was expecting her to be professional and treat every child with respect.

My child was speaking more coherently at thee and half than he does now. She damaged him and labelled him in the eyes of others. He has been labelled ‘severely intellectually disabled’. He is not. He is severely depressed and understandably so because of the labelling. How would you feel if you were told day after day after day, you are stupid, you can’t do this, you are dumb, you don’t understand this, you haven’t got the cognitive powers to understand this? How would you feel day after day of that message being drummed into your brain? Would you feel good about yourself? Would you think that you could do things or that you were just some dumb half African jerk of a kid with no dad?

Recently I sat across from a psychologist who told me, ‘I haven’t met your son, but I have seen two test results and I saw him in the Naplan tests. He is clueless and he just can’t do it.  He has no idea.  He is severely intellectually disabled.‘ I was sitting across from this guy and thinking does he understand that perhaps my son does learn differently and maybe if he had the encouragement to achieve and tasks are explained to him, he will succeed in doing it. Not every child catches on so quickly.

It makes me nauseous to think that I allowed my son to suffer this abuse for a whole year and i am to blame too. I should not have been so stupid. My son is a very good human being. But it is adults who are twisting him and hurting him, maybe even not intentionally and by not explaining but having a picture in their minds of his mental capabilities without thinking he is a child and capable, they have already labelled him and put him in a pigeon hole as intellectually disabled when I do not feel that is the case. The pain and the labelling follows him and is twisting him up inside.

They have put my son in a sinkhole and isolated him. They have withdrawn from him the right to be perceived as a normal functioning human being. That is what is destroying him. A little boy who now shuffles instead of walks and his shoulders hunch over, who cries at night and has night mares because he is a child and he does not understand how cruel adults can be and how narrow minded and bigoted and judgemental.  A little boy who tells me he cannot play football any more because people tell him that. People who withdraw normal social interaction from him and they are deliberately and quite cruelly failing to see who he is, blinded by their own prejudices and stereotypes.

They want to be right because if he proves them wrong and is successful both academically and sports wise than they have been seen as flawed and they want to be right no matter what. That is the worst of it. The fact that they will destroy a child to be right in their own mind. Crazy, but true.

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