Sunday, December 23, 2012

The sad state of the family world


Family is a word that has many connotations lately. In the rush to 'modernise families' and the concept of 'family and make the term family more 'inclusive' we have forgotten the most important elements of what family should be. Family used to mean (back in the days of dinosaurs and stone age when I was a kid, just kidding) Mum and Dad and siblings as the immediate family and then there were uncles and aunts with cousins and also Grandparents. The idea you grew up with was that you would one day meet your soul mate or better half and marry and create another offshoot of your original family and strengthen the family tree and so forth down the generations.
Now family has taken on a more transient and superficial meaning for some and they want to normalise unions between two adults of the same sex having children and creating 'families'. Somehow it just doesn't have the same ring of stability and honesty that exists in the ideal hetrosexual and even the flawed hetrosexual marriages. Most marriages are flawed. They have to be because that is the idea that the couple work on themselves and refine and grow through the relationship and work together to create a stable family unit within which to rear children who are happy and well adjusted. There is a great sense of security and peace for a child to know that he has a mother and a father even if one or both of them is not the perfect mother or perfect father.
If you were to ask any child with 'two mothers' or 'two fathers' if they felt the same sense of rightness and security as a child with a mother and a father, despite what they had been brainwashed into saying by their same sex parents, I would bet that they would want to know who their biological father is one day in the case of a child raised by two lesbians and in the case of a child raised by two men, it would surely want to know who its mother was. Who was the person who carried him or her for nine months and then gave him or her over to be raised by two men?  I will be honest enough to say I find that disgusting. I would not be so disgusted by say two uncles raising a child who was related to them, because that is the child's natural kin, but to have two men cohabitating and raising a child, especially a girl, there is something quite off about it. Perhaps the mother died and had brothers or whatever, but for two unrelated men to raise a child that is only biologically half theirs is perverse.
I do not care how much money they have or how 'good' a person they are, that is not the point. A child deserves a father and deserves a mother. Not only does a child deserve that, he or she is owed that and a lot more. He or she is owed love and affection, nurture and care and concern for his or her welfare.
Yes, there are plenty of hetrosexuals who have kids and have gotten it wrong. That does not make homosexual unions the best thing and something to supercede conventional marriages and hetrosexual unions.
In fact, just because you are a rich or well off lesbian or gay man, does not make you a good parent.
Family means creating bonds of real affection between people related by blood or not and sustained nurturing and meeting challenges day after day, week after week and year after year. There are enough challenges in this world without throwing a real clanger into the pot for a kid to deal with.
Ask me if I want to see a world where same sex marriage is normalised and I will tell you honestly no. If you think that allowing same sex marriage is going to bring more 'luv and peace' into the world, you are very wrong and very deluded. It will just confuse an already confused world even more.
Sitting down at night, eating dinner with Mum and Dad, how many people do it these days? Discussing the day, talking about important topics, going over issues that arose during the course of the day, resolving them and moving on to more issues etc,that is normal. Parents are a kid's safety net to normalcy and what happens when that safety net is warped and knotted up and the kid is constantly facing challenges that are overwhelming him or her because of the flawed family unit?
Family values, normal family values are our saftey net to a better stronger person. A person who can meet the world sure and secure in his or her beliefs and faith.
When my ex husband told me when I was four months pregnant with our child, that he had found someone else and that I would miscarry because I was too old to have a baby, I would not have survived without my faith in G-D and knowing that G-D would not have allowed me to carry my child if I was not destined to carry him.  My will is now like iron tempered in the fire of grief. Nothing will break it. Once I have raised my son, I can bid this world farewell and go to eternal peace in the next world. But for now, I have a job to do and that is to help and raise my son to be a good person with derek aretz or to be a mentsch.


Booligirl said...

And what will you say when your son wants to know about his biological mother,ilana?

Ilana Leeds said...

I am the mother who carried him for nine months and raised him for the past nine years plus, unassisted Booligirl. And for your information he is aware that he has a genetic mother as he is very aware he has a biological father for what it is worth who tells lots of lies, is full of crap about what he was going to do and who I do not talk about much because it hurts too damned much. But a little bike onion like yourself would not know too much about that sort of stuff, because you would open your legs and mouth for anything that comes by, wouldn't you little sweet thing with the mad lowlife eyes. You are a lowlife from Narrandera. Who are you friends with? Is it Narelle or Mandy or is it Joanne or the the other vicious lesbian slut that taught Art? Or maybe you were in the Evqangalistic Christian brigade who wanted my son taken away from me and raised as a Christian? You are so full of shit you would not know what you were. Twisted sister, huh, hiding behind your Booligirl ID too scared to use your correct name? What a loser, you are! I may be slandered and all sorts of crap told about me but at least I can hold my head up high. I am not the sort of person that goes down with out a fight. You are drek. A garbage sharmutta and I laugh at anyone who has to hide behind a non de plume. I know who I am and what I am. You may have tried to disable my life and destroy my career and the life of a young boy by destroying his mother, but do know what, there is a G-D and he knows that I always did my best to do the right thing. Were you the little slut that slept with my husband when I was pregnant with my son and told him I was too old and that I would miscarry? Charming morals, if you are? Simply charming, aren't you, you piece of filth.

Ilana Leeds said...

Ah I see the lowlife Booligirl is quiet? Cat must have gotten her little tongue, did it?

Ilana Leeds said...

Oh no smart reply yet from Booligirl or should I say bulligirl? Com'on Bulligirl, you can do better than that. Let's have another nasty little crack to show how clever you are. Do we have a 'te he he' or is it 'he he he he'? You must be out the drugs you are taking? Com'on I do want to see just how clever you are and what more rubbish you can spout about something you know nothing about

Pepâ la Pow said...

You reveal a lot about yourself here in these comments. You are so worried about how others view you & your own family situation which from your own stated beliefs is flawed that you lash out at a community already vitimised to feel a little stronger.

You & your son are family. The old definition of family as mother, father & 2.4 kids always belied the fact that many families never fit that mould. Under your very definition you don't fit as a family but I would assume you'd fight tooth & nail for your son.

I was raised myself by a single mother. My family is my mother, sister, brother & myself. That is how family is for me. I know of my father but due to his behavour I have choosen to not have a relationship with him. Even though my mother encouraged me to speak with him. Family bonds are very strong. However thats just my experience of family from my point of view. I have a friend who was raised by 2 mothers & she defends her right to call family a family just the same as I do.

How your family unit works doesn't automatically decide how you will create family yourself. My sister & friend have both married men, had children & live a very traditional life of a house wife tending to their children while their husbands work. My brother as yet has dated but not yet found the right girl & I look foward to spending thecrest of my life with my as of yet girlfriend but will one day be my wife when small minded people stop trying to control what already exists because they havent bothered to understand reality.

As I have already said, its your own definition that says you don't have a family. I think your family is you & your son. Just as mine is my girlfriend & I. Both situations already exist, you just need to realise it.

Your god obviously allows us to choose for ourselves why are you trying to put words in her mouth?

Ilana Leeds said...

Respectfully, G-D is beyond the definition of male and female gender and we who are in the image of G-D mirror both aspects of G-D. Male and female were created for a purpose.
G-D is not owned by me or by you or anyone else. G-D is above our definition of ownership. Children are a gift from G-D.
To be true to what and who I perceive and understand as G-Dly, I see in direct relationship to a male and a female bonding to create another being with the help of Hashem (G-D). There is no way you can do that without male assistance. I value the role of a woman and the earth power of a woman as much as I value the procreative power of a man to plant life in the woman's womb. The woman then nurtures that life to fruition and the result precious life is raised by a man and a woman with love and appropriate care and attention. That is the ideal. Yes, some other definitions of family have done and do work well and they do not follow the guidelines of what I consider an ideal situation. I always have acknowledged that, but I do not support that as the norm. Understand me properly. I can adopt a child and love him or her dearly and know yes, I am not his or her natural parent but love and care for him or her just the same and maybe more. Not all natural parents love their kids. Please do not try and say that genetics makes a parent. It does not being a parent is much more. That is a whole post in and of itself. Giving birth to someone does not mean they will be a good parent. Being a good parent is just so much more and it is a thankless and never ending job at times but you do get such joy from the small steps and the bigger achievements that you forget all the other stuff when you kid tells you to stuff off or fights with you over brushing his or her teeth or tells you the dinner you spent time and effort on is just so yuck, but eats it all the same with relish and then you realise he or she has has a bad day at school being teased and just wants to hurt someone the way he or she has been hurt so makes a comment calculated to hurt you. There are the many small things that make being a parent so humbling and a humungeous experience that your breath is taken away by the wonder of it all. You love your children to death whatever they are, will be or were.
I think somehow what would I do if my son was a serial killer, could I still love him? The answer would have to be yes, although I could not condone what he did, I would try to get him to transform his life and perhaps in such a case if I could not, then I would end my life, feeling I had failed in an important task.

Ilana Leeds said...

I think this is really an assumption on your part. If I really cared how people viewed me, I would not live where I live or dress the way I do. I do what I believe is right for me and my family.
"You reveal a lot about yourself here in these comments. You are so worried about how others view you & your own family situation which from your own stated beliefs is flawed that you lash out at a community already vitimised to feel a little stronger."
My family situation is flawed in my perception, because for balance there needs to be a father, a patriarchal figure to balance with the matriarchal figure. Do you know the symbol for Yin and Yang study it carefully and then you will understand. That is balance.
There needs to be softness and the gentleness of a woman nurturer and she needs a little masculine firmness, then there also needs to be the structure and rigidness of the male which also has in it the potential for nurture and gentleness. The world is built on balance, a fine balance and we are constantly involved in balancing and stablising and have been for centuries. Read the history of the human race....