Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Very busy couple of days and not much time to up date

I am smack bang in the middle of reports. It is so good to be back teaching, apart from the financial considerations which have lifted a load off my mind and decreased my stress levels to know that I can pay rent each month, I love the atmosphere at the school where I teach. The teachers do care about the kids and work hard to make lessons worthwhile and to increase their learning and aptitude. I am treated like a person and not some oddity that had a child at 49 and therefore someone to make jokes about, sneer at and generally make life uncomfortable. When I think back to how hard they must have tried to make life absolutely intolerable for me at Narrandera and Deniliquin as they really did not like me as a person and were looking for ways to make me feel as unwanted as possible, it makes me smile. Half the time, I was oblivious to their taunts because I was focused on more important things like raising my baby and doing my job. I had no time for their petty nastiness. It must have irked them no end to realise that most of the time I could not really care less about their parties and their little cliques. I remember the way they invited all the female staff to a dinner and did not even bother to tell me about it and then their shopping and film trips to Wagga Wagga where indicated all the cars were full but 'if you want to come along, there is nothing to stop you bringing your car, is there Ilana?' I would not have wasted petrol to be among such ridiculous petty people.
I cannot spend time on this as I have 3 reports of one class to do and 20 subject reports to start and finish by tonight. It will be done.
I am drinking Dandelion tea now and not so much regular tea and coffee. It is far better for you. I must also take up Yoga over the holidays again. One has to place oneself in a bubble and be protective of oneself and family and real friends and not place oneself in harm's way by too much contact with negative people.To be appreciated as a person and not denigrated had been quite refreshing.
When I think of how I got involved in partners and husbands who were totally negative about me as a person I realise it must have been a lesson in learning how to protect myself. Very interesting that I have talked to two other single mothers, one with two sons and one with three sons who have had similar experiences to mine. Being discarded by non Jewish husbands and left to raise our children literally single handed and succeeding at it without being ground down by the experience. One told me that it was actually quite liberating at the end of her relationship or marriage of twenty years. He found someone else while she was coming over from overseas. Maybe it was a mid life crisis, who knows, but I do know that I have actually never really missed my ex husband in the physical sense. I did for a while miss the partnership if you know what I mean, even though I realise that it was based on a falsehood that he created in order to get his visa and permanent residency in Australia. He being Nigerian was quite cunning and had no intention of ever raising my son or other children together with me. Hashem protected me from further hurt by him and it was interesting how it was done. I can look back on the last eight years or more and see the hand of G-D in all things and realise that I have two main missions in this life. That is to raise my son in a true Torah and G-D fearing manner and to teach and be true to myself. Many years ago before my ex husband, my son's father, I had another husband who was Jewish and who was totally the wrong person for me. How I ever got mixed up with such a person I still do not know. My self esteem must have been at an all time low. I remember actually feeling such despair that I was feeling like I wanted to actually hurt myself while involved with him and it was a reflection of how he felt about me. He despised me and he I feel actually despises women. He is a very dangerous person for any woman to be involved with as he hides his real nature behind a charismatic personality but in private is brutal and quite nasty.Again that was my mother figure and the patterns of interaction that I learnt with my mother whose birthday comes up in a few days. I am sending her something but not signing it or saying who it is from. She can think she has some secret admirer. If she is aware it is from me, she will not accept it or be disparaging about my gifts to her, so it is better not to let her know. Sad. I only connect to G-D and understand that this life is for a greater purpose than the pettiness and jealousy of some individuals and even if it happens to be a mother, one must move on ultimately and we are answerable to G-D eventually for all things in this life that we do and how we use our talents.

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