Saturday, December 10, 2011

Shabbes Ve'yeshlach

For twenty five or six hours I have put the betrayal of my ratbag family out of my mind. I should be used to this sort of betrayal after fifty odd years of it. but it is hard knowing that you do not have a biological family to speak of. I guess I was deluded after my father died to think that things should have changed. I guess what I should have done was have nothing to do with them after the funeral when they made their feelings about me as a person so amply plain and the damage that they did to my car while it was up there. It looked like it had been deliberately backed into something and repeatedly so. I was prepared to believe it was an accident at the time but seeing as no one ever came forward to tell me how it happened I now know it was deliberate malice on their part. Just as the vicious seething with hatred letter that I got from Stephen my brother about the $50,000 that my father left me and how he roared down the phone at me that it was more than I deserved and that I should not have even gotten that. It may even be him and his 'lovely wife' Brenda who may have had a word in the ear of the vicious Narrandera principal which ended in me being discriminated against in Narrandera and forced into making a complaint which then led to my being bullied.
They are probably sitting back on the deck at my brother's stupid little property in Queensland, getting drunk and laughing their heads off at me and my son and saying all sorts of vile things and planning how to further make me appear a real bitch and to make me appear ridiculous and a vile person.
Too be honest, I have reached  stage where I just don't care any more and my mother will die without seeing my face again. She has gotten what she wanted. She has divided this generation like she divided my father's generation. She set three brothers against each other and I believe that her manipulations and little temper tantrums to get her own way all the time, divided my father from his brothers and set them against each other after Gran died.
What I will now never forgive is the fact that they had a party for my mother after telling me that they were doing nothing. All the conversations I have had with my brother were lies and lies and lies. How they must have laughed at my gullibility in believing all the stories they told me about Brenda Leeds and Stephen Leeds and how they received a package of cheap jewellery from them and etc etc. It is just lie after lie after lie.How can you believe such people. They think they are so clever. My family is all dead. My father is dead and my grandmother is dead. My mother is dead to me emotionally and has been for years. FOOL fool me to have come up there to visit her. I should have saved my money and stayed in Narrandera and worked on a novel or two. To think that I spent every holidays with her after my father died and believed all her lies about everything. My brothers and Anne Ford are probably having a right old drunken burp and giggle about how they played me for a fool. Well, not any longer. My son just has to get used to the fact that we do not have family apart from a few close friends. We do not have a family and we are not likely to have one until he marries and has children.
Apart from being ripped off by this so called 'old friend' who supposedly is a barrister and a naturopath  and played for a fool by so called brothers who treat you like some sort of toy that you can play with the emotions, this has not been a good year so far.
Like my brother once said to me, 'You do everyone a favour if you just topped yourself. Or better still get yourself murdered.' I guess they were really disappointed that I wasn't the taxi driver who ended up in the boot with a bullet in the brain a few years back when I was driving taxis and putting myself through uni. It must have been so disappointing for them that I passed.
I remember when I came back from Israel in 1986 that my 'sister in law' was trying to convince me to come to the USA to complete my degree and I knew exactly what she wanted. A live in maid. I would never have ended up with my degree let alone a teaching degree. She would have bullied me into doing the house work and being live in cheap slave labour and with both her and my brother telling me what a piece of crap I was and churning out  all this rubbish about Jews and gays and white supremacy I would have lived a night mare. She and my brother actually made jokes to my mother and other relatives I gather about me living in a motor home or caravan like a piece of white trash because that is how they view me as dreck rubbish. They would actually feel happy if I was to commit suicide and I in fact, see them as striving to make me feel as rubbishy and bad about myself as possible so that could be a real possibility for them to bring about. It is a classic  mobbing technique. You make the target feel as disgusting and rubbishy as possible and totally worthless.
Trouble is I fail to see the prospect of suicide as an option. Nor do I abuse substances of addiction in any way what so ever. I am too sane and while I might be guilible I am not exactly the sort of person who commits suicide.
I no longer have a mother. She died in September 1970 and she was my father's mother. My father died in 2002. The woman who turned 90 is not my mother. She is the woman who gave birth to me and that is all. She hates me with a passion and always has. I say tehillim for her and know that it is between her and Hashem now. I have done my bit and can do no more. We are done. All done. all I can do in the face of such hatred is stand and pray and then keep my own counsel and leave them alone. The thought of having to go through this stuff another lifetime is tiresome but to be honest there is nothing I do. It is up to Hashem.

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