I should have been warned by events from the past, from childhood and my teenage years. Especially as I was not allowed to return home for a year after I finished my Senior year at the boarding school I was sent to and also just had my leg out of plaster after six months on crutches (an accident from running to greet my mother who had gone overseas for six months after my beloved grandmother died. I was too eager to hope that she would like me and be a mother to me for once.) I was given the choice of Teachers College or the public service. I should have realised then how my mother really felt about me. She is all show and not an iota of understanding or compassion.
I do not have a family and with the death of my father, my last link to the family has gone. They have never rang me and never will. I was the one who did the ringing and they led me on to believe that I was one of their family when really it was all fun and games for them. They were laughing behind my back and even to my face with the stories calculated to distress me and especially when I find out the truth. What they ultimately want is for me to suicide and then they have another reason to get sympathy because of the 'terrible, abusive sister' and they can then breathe a sigh of relief and say silently to themselves, 'thank goodness the bloody nuisance of a bitch has rid the world of herself and us.' They are really frightened that I will just pop up but I feel now they would have some 'nice' psychological games ready to play with my mind and try and unsettle and destroy me emotionally. Just the way they spoke about me as if I am a person in great need of psychological help and frankly they want me to be, because if I am successful in anything it shows them for the liars that they all are.
Why I am publishing this on the net? Because if anything happens to me I want to leave a trail or a record. Someone said to me I should not. I should just talk to one or two close friends, it is airing dirty linen in public. Sometimes some things must be aired and the wounds need lancing and drastic cleansing and there is nothing like fresh air to cleanse a dirty festering wound that has been kept in bandages too long.
Also by keeping quite the wounds just get deeper and deeper and more toxic. I want it aired and the limb amputated and that is it. I know there are ghost feelings in limbs and that is perhaps what I will have once I amputate this gangrenous limb from the rest of my body. They are quite evil and when I had told a friend that I was actually invited up there to stay with my brother and I was so surprised and very suspicious as to why. She told me that there could be something behind it and that they are cooking up something between them and that all they have told me about how my mother ended up in the home could actually be lies apon lies. The fact that I have emails attesting to the fact that 'You have emotional and psychological difficulties and should seek the appropriate help' shows the way they are going. My friends have said that even the fact that I lost my job in NSW means that they could very well be involved in that and it is all a ploy to destroy my credibility as a person and to try and push me over the edge and take custody of Nir or even to put him in a home as my mother once said to me that 'he is not really your son. He is not really my grandson, genetically he is someone else's. You could put him in a home and that would be far more convenient for you. You could live your life again.' She is quite vile in that respect and that was what started our last big fight before she went into the home. I don't believe any child of mine would have been recognisable as her grandchild. To be honest, I think they want me certified if they could and they have wanted this for a long time. They would have done it in my twenties if they could.
I remember that vulgar letter she sent to someone about Ofer the Israeli guy I went out with for a couple of years and how she never wrote to me the whole year I was in Israel in 1986. That should have warned me what she thought of me and also of Jews. She is a total Nazi. I remember being horrified when she told me that the Arnold's daughter who had Down's Syndrome should be euthanized or at least sterilised so she could 'not breed' and that it would be kinder for all concerned if she was, especially the mother. I wondered then how I could have such a mother and how someone could think like that. I sort of think that someone like Michael Barnett of Aleph would find a kindred spirit in my mother because he is an extremist the other way. Anyone who does not believe in gay marriage etc etc is a candidate for the Nazi gay lobby's extermination list like I am. It is plastered all over the net and there are errors as well in my life as apparently these wretched people know more about my life and events that never happened in my life than I do.
I believe in normalcy. I believe in family and while I do not espouse gay lifestyles etc, I still do not believe we have the right to discriminate against them. I think they have rights of partnerships etc. Marriage is for men and women, not two men or two women. End of story. I do believe that it is normal for heterosexual couples to have children but I view with trepidation two gay men raising children or two gay women raising them from the simple fact of normal human behaviour and family issues. I do not even like being a single parent as I believe children need a father very much so. However I was not given much choice in the matter and that is that. I am doing the best I can with a lot of opposition from people who think it is my choice or that I adopted my son. What do they want to do, view his birth certificate and maybe I should publish it on the web. Like the principal in Narrandera who did not believe that my ex Nir's father was really married to me. Until he saw the marriage and divorce certificate. He probably thought they were fake. As if I have the time.